Sunday, December 21, 2008

thank u for clearing my doubts, Pranabda


I always believed Pranab Mukherjee should have been the chief of our intelligence agencies. The man is being wasted as a foreign minister. Just look at the talent.
On December 20, he said the most profound and investigative bit of sound byte that has ever come out since November 26. The man went up to the bank of television news channel mikes and calmly declared 'November 26 was a cold and calculated terror attack'.
Come on, I bet my last penny you didn't know that. Actually I'll confess I didn't.
All this while I was thinking that ten young boys from Pakistan came somewhere near the shores of Karachi wanting to escape the maths exams they were having in college.
One of them- I don't remember the name- looked into the vast expanse of the sea, saw the ships out in the horizon and said' why don't we take one of them and set sail to let us see where the winds take us'.
The other nine- not good at numbers and formulas anyway- agreed.
As they were about to enter the ship, one maulana in a red beard nicely-trimmed exactly to a palm's length told them that they could carry some AK-47s with them along with a week's supply of bullets and grenades. Now the ten guys said 'what the heck' and took the consignment.
Somewhere near the Gujarat coast, they saw an Indian vessel- the Kuber- hopped into it and after lazing around for some time decided they needed to do something to pass time.
In a consensus of ten is to none, they killed the skipper of the boat and set sail for India. Actually that wasn't palnned, it was just that the wind like a good migrant was blowing towards Mumbai.
They reached here, went to CST, where someone told the ten that carrying so much luggage in the CST-Karjat fast would be a problem. Once again in a consensus of ten is to none, they agreed to leave back two of the chaps at CST while the rest proceeded in groups of two to the Taj and the Oberoi, probably to catch the CST-Karjat the next morning when it is relatively less crowded.
The two chaps at CST were having trouble with their luggage still. So one of them suggested 'why not load our guns- which leaves the bag with the bullets empty- and why don't we just go out and spray it at the crowd. I'm sure they will think it is some good harmless fun'.
Meanwhile the chaps who went to the Taj didn't like the room service there and the chaps who went to the Oberoi didn't like the rooms they got- none of them were Marine Drive facing.
The same old problem with the extra luggage came to haunt these two groups as well. And they found the same solution that the two chaps at CST found.
The sequnce of events that unfolded next I presume you know. The cops, the bullets, the Marcos, the NSG, the nuts the bolts and the like. And the news anchors and the shrieking comperes. Sixty hours later the picnic ended.
Now I bet that is how you thought this whole thing happened. Now you know better I presume. And you know who to thank now. Our one and only Pranab Mukherjee.
Thank you Pranabda for telling us that this whole fucking mess that was created for sixty long hours starting November 26, 9:50pm was a planned one.
Thank you so much.
And thank you sir for giving us a government that single-handedly has made all Indians ashamed of themselves.
We'd rather you just tell us that we got screwed for sixty hours. We'd rather that you tell us 'be prepared for some hardship for a few months for when we come back' we'll have some place in the map for a desert on our left. A desert formerly called Pakistan.'
We'd rather you told the world 'we're good souls who get socked on the chin once, but we're not good enough souls to not esnure the body that held the hand that socked our chin gets the kind of dismemberment that would be a vulture's nightmare'.
See you guys. I hear Pranabda's is going to address another press conference in an hour's time.
I bet he'll clear a few doubts of mine.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

they call me prime minister..i doubt it

Hello everybody, my name is Manmohan Singh. My family tells me I am the Prime Minister of India but then my family also told me I look like Akshay Kumar so I don't know whether I should believe them. I am thankful to God that I switched on Aaj Tak and NDTV at 10:45pm on November 26 or believe me I would never have come to know about the attacks on Mumbai.


I called up Shivraj but he had gone to his tailor to get three bandh gala Nehru suits stitched. When the TV channels blared out that terrorists had taken over the Oberoi, Taj and Nariman House, I understood why Shivraj needed three bandh gala suits. But I got to know later that Shivraj was very upset since there was also some drama that took place at CST and the tailor at that hour very calmly told Shivraj that getting a fourth bandh gala stitched at such short notice would be possible but the tailoring would not be all that good. So Shivraj decided to drop the plan to visit CST.


I called up Soniaji but she never picks up my calls anyway. The small decisions she says Rahul will take and the big ones she will take herself. Good for me as it saves me a lot on phone bills. Infact Airtel and Vodaphone have dropped me from their special clients list since my bills don't come up to more than Rs 200 for any month.


I must go now since I need to pay my cablewala. Thanks to him I get to watch nearly 200 TV channels, including 40 new channels. And thanks to the 40 news channels I got to know that some idiots have attacked Mumbai.


So important things first--my cablewala.


Will keep you posted if anything important happens in my day. Till then keep watching


Oh How I wish I was Pakistani

I grew up being a fairly patriotic chap. As I read my history books I got to know that sveral summers ago, when the British managed to dismember India and make something called Pakistan out of it, our founding fathers gave Pakistan a princely sum of Rs 55 crores to wipe the muck off its umblical cord. I felt very good.
Then I learnt that it sent raiders- tribals idiots who knew nothing but the mosque, the gun and marrying younger woman every five years- to take back Kashmir in 1947. Our soldiers beat the shit out of most these tribals raiders, saved the better part of Kashmir till Nehru- ever working towards building huimself up towards probably the Nobel Peace Prize- took our case to the United Nations and helped India lose forver what we could have won with few more weeks of fighting. But believe me I still felt good.
Then they tried the stunt in 1965, we managed just fine. And when they tried it again in 1971, we cut the whole mess into two and created two messes in the place- one we always called Pakistan and now one we call Bangladesh. But I still felt pretty good.

Then Pakistan wisened up and instead of sending its forces once in a while started sending more of its and ours misguided youth more than once in a while. Our security forces fought some brave battles and repulsed more often than than not these- let me use a very government word- nefarious designs of the neighbour.
But on Thursday--December 18, 2008 to be precise--all the history, in which I saw myself and my nation as the winner with the patriotism-skewed lenses that I wore, vanishd in thin air.
A fortnight after ten bastards came in and held our city and our nation to ransom, Pakistan played the masterstroke.
After declaring to all and sundry that it had arrested most of the people India had demanded and after taking the kudos from the United States and after giving a bloody nose to the statesmanly aspirations of British PM Gordon Brown, it calmly turned around and told India oh so sorry, we do not have Masood Azhar, we really don't know where that son of a bitch vermin is.? We will catch him for sure- the general told the press before probably braking out into fits of laughter.
What my great nation is left with- is a fumbling AK Antony and a bumbling Pranab Mukherjee. Chidambaram I have not seen a in a while but I think he might be somewhere inside the RBI office hokling talks with senior economists on how the next time terrorists attcak, we should calls Standar and Poor or Dow Jones and not the bloody NSG. Shivraj Patil i hear has gone to beat up his tailor as the tailor did not get the round of his bandh gala to the exact specification.
I can almost hear Zardari and his ISI minions guffaw as they see these jokers on Indian TV channels.
I can see the Pakistani on the street laughing over his morning cup of tea. I can almost see Pakistan's elite sipping the choicest of wines in some exquisite bungalow in Lahore and placing bets on when Pakistan was sending the next ten raiders who'd have us by the balls once again.
Yup my friend, as I write this, as I see Antulay and Paswan play politics with the death of Karkare, as I see my ministers mumble and fumble, as I see my lawyers fight over their black coats to defend Qasab to get their two minutes of fame, for once I really feel 'oh how I wish I was Pakistani'
Then I could have been born in the most wretched nation on earth but I'd still feel good about having a country like India by its balls every time my country felt like giving some Afghanistan war decommissioned AK-47s to ten idiots....